2016!

Happy New Year!

Last year was the best and worst year of my life. Our baby boy was the best thing that's ever happened to me (and planet Earth...if you ask me), but spending a year learning hard truths about yourself is nearly impossible and that's just what happened. Postpartum depression is no joke, and add a bunch of other un-fun, adult crap to the mix and 2015 was sort of a wash.

BUT I love the new year. It's one of my favorite holidays. It's not super festive, but everyone is so hopeful and confident. I feel like my best self when I have something big I can look forward to, and the new year always does it for me.

Here are my resolutions:

1. Spend more time taking care of myself.

I always feel like a schlub.

I got a new haircut, but I barely know how to brush my hair, and when I do, it looks like maybe I shouldn't have.

I tried to buy nice makeup a few months ago when I was dedicated to becoming a human again, but then I left some of it in the car and it melted because we live in an oven (seriously, it was 86 here today).

I tried to buy new clothes, but I think maybe I have no idea what I actually look like. I feel like stuff looks really good on me in the stores, but then after 2 or 3 wears, I look like a sack. Not that I'm wearing a sack; MY BODY is an actual sack. I want a new momiform that makes me feel put together, but not too precious so it's ok when Marshall pukes or throws food on me. Isn't that what every mom wants?

I also need to go to the dentist.  It's sad that going to the dentist has to be part of my resolutions for me to actually do it, but I haven't been since I was pregnant and on my own insurance, so I don't even know if I can go to my old dentist, and I'm lazy and hate making phone calls. There you go.

2. Stop comparing myself to other people.

I am the daughter of a stay-at-home mom. Not once in my entire life did I ever feel embarrassed that my mother didn't have a day job, but I have it in my head that I am going to let Marshall down if I don't accomplish something above and beyond.

A large part of my depression has been that I really feel like I should be better at this stay-at-home mom thing. I thought that I would be able to put my whole self into making Marshall's life great, and with all my new free time, I'd be able to accomplish some personal goals and make my son and my family proud. I truly felt I was meant to do this and I knew I would just be so awesome at it. The thought that I was wrong is crushing to me.

I may never get over the voices in my head, but I have to stop comparing myself to these facebook wondermoms with their instagram-filtered lives. Hopefully, that will help me realize that I am doing my best and I am enough.

3. Only spend money on necessary, quality products.

I am Target's target demographic. I know it. They know it. It's a cycle and somehow I have to will myself into beating the system. I need to start watching our spending if I am to build the life we want without feeling guilty for not bringing in any income.  If I don't need something or I can't afford the highest quality of something, I shouldn't buy it.

3. Make our house feel like home.

I had a bad feeling about this new house before we ever signed the papers. I didn't feel like this was the house for our family no matter how perfect the floorplan (blogger wants to autocorrect this to "fallopian") and finishes were. I lost sleep over it. Everyone assured me that I was just crazy and change is hard and blah, blah, blah.

7 days after we moved in, the refrigerator line burst and flooded the entire downstairs and garage in an inch of water. It's taken 5 months to be mostly back to normal, but we are still fighting with the contractor because things are sloppy and unfinished and the owner basically told me that my husband should handle things because I get too angry. It's been a nightmare. I will never go against my gut again, but for the time being, this is where we live. I'm trying to be more positive about the situation, but I don't know if I can ever really get comfortable in this house no matter how long we live here; I'm always waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

This fiasco has taken all of the joy out of buying a new house and I have no motivation to do anything. We were so excited to paint, decorate, and organize, and I want to get back to that place.

4. Plan our meals.

Tim and I have always had a lot of insecurities and those issues are not something we want to pass down to our children. We need to start working on ourselves now so we can lead by example to teach our son to love himself.

A big part of our problem is the food that we eat. We have a nutritionist neighbor and she said the most important part of your nutrition is the food you bring into the home, so only having healthy meals and snacks in the house is the goal for this year. I don't want to feel limited when we go out, but we don't need to go out nearly as often as we have been, and we should be eating as healthy as possible when we cook at home.

5. Stay organized.

As far as dates and lists go, I'm on top of everything. As far as being physically organized, I'm lacking hard. Life runs better when you don't have to search through piles and wade through crap to get where you're going. I have been pinning organizational tips like a mad woman, so hopefully I can find a system that works for us to keep our home tidy and calm.

So that's that. My 5 resolutions. I have a few more things I want to accomplish and a bunch of adventures I want to go on, but we'll see what the year brings. We might be having this same conversation this time next year...

-T